As She Was, Not As She Is
by tru-vision-girl
Summary: You always did go for the splotchy one's."


Title: As She Was, Not As She Is Pairing: Fred and Wesley Rating: PG Type: Angst Summary: "You always liked the splotchy one's." Spoilers: AtS (Angel the Series) Season 5.15 for "Hole In The World" Author's Notes: This story was written as a vignette lamenting one of my favorite relationships off the show itself, but one that never really got a chance before it was ended. This is my take on what I watched play out on Wednesday night (11-25-04). It was also inspired by a few lyrics from JC Chasez's album Schizophrenic, the song "Build My World". Disclaimer: The characters, various dialogue and storyline within this vignette do not belong to me, they belong solely to Joss Whedon their creator, Mutant Enemy, and the various writer's, producers, cast, crew and actors who portray them. The lyrics belong to JC Chasez. Neither one are being used for profit. It was written for my own entertainment.  
  
Clear my eyes; it's the morning after Did I fall in love or did I find disaster Take a second just to breathe I pick my heart up off my sleeve, yeah  
  
There she goes and I know she knows By the way she eased out on her tippy toes Skip the breakfast tea for two We made no plans to rendezvous, yeah  
  
Someone for everyone but no one for me Constantly searching for the love I need to  
  
Build my world around, around I'll be the lonely one until I find the one I wanna build my world around Surrender all to love until I find the one I wanna build my world around (around, yeah, oh) I'll be the lonely one until I find the one I wanna build my world around Just say it, just say it, just say it, just say it Yeah, yeah Surrender all to love until I find the one I wanna build my world around  
  
--Lyrics from JC Chasez's "Build My World" album; Schizophrenic  
  
Closing his eyes the tips of his fingers tiptoe across the pages moving with quiet unresolved agility, words beneath them coming to life, the sound of his voice alive in his ears, and Fred dying in his arms. He knows he doesn't have much more time left, he can feel her slipping away. It's eating away at his heart, chipping away everything he has inside; still he has to remain strong for her. He has to trust that Angel and Spike can save her that they can find the cause and arrive with the cure still saving the world. For a brief moment his eyelids slide shut, his brow arches and his shoulders slump. He is losing this battle and there is nothing that he can do to stop it. He feels so helpless with Fred lying there in his arms, dying.  
  
There is nothing he can do except to hold her, comfort her, kiss the top of her head, which he has done several times tonight, and read to her as she's requested. He's reading A Little Princess to her as per her request, because after all he is book man and he can make the book be anything that he wants and he wants it to be whatever she needs it to be. He reads to her as her small petite frame molds itself to his body, his fingertips barely brushing the hair back from her face as he glances down at her, leaning over momentarily to place another soft kiss on her forehead. He loves her immensely, more so than he'll ever find the words with which to let her know, but somehow he thinks she gets it without his having to say it.  
  
His eyes are big and full of pain, but still he presses on through the night. His heart feels like it's being ripped out of his chest and he knows, believes that he'll stop breathing the moment that she stops. His eyes pop open and he can't think about that, can't let himself entertain the thought of losing her not after waiting so long to be this way with her. For so long he wanted to be a part of her world, but was only afforded a spectator's position watching and waiting, sitting there abiding his time and praying for her to come to him or for the right moment when he would go to her. In his arms this dying woman, all splotchy and veiny is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Her eyes peer up at him as he's paused his reading momentarily, his hand slipping further down her face, cupping her cheek in his hand, the palm of it softly caressing her face and he nearly chokes on his own tears, thick and raw in his throat as he hears her voice break the silence, "You always did go for the splotchy one's." And he has to half-chuckle and half-choke to keep from sobbing uncontrollably.  
  
He reads a little longer to her trying to ignore the stabbing pain in his heart that he knows is becoming very inevitable, but still he has to let himself believe there has to be a way to save her, that Angel and Spike will make it back and they will be able to restore her. She shivers next to him and he pulls her closer as he watches her body contract involuntarily from the convulsions she's gone into. Iliyara is in there hollowing his love out and inhabiting her skin, taking on her life form and there isn't one thing he can do about it except wait, wait for Angel and Spike, wait for the cure, or wait for whatever may or may not come, whichever happens first. Behind her hollow eyes he can see the tiredness setting in around the frayed edges, he understands how tired she must be, how hard it is to fight. He has no words, he has many words but they aren't the right one's he doesn't think.  
  
Her voice is far away and strained, distant when she speaks. It takes everything in her and the pain is immense as it moves through her body, burning her from the inside out. She's liquefying fast and there isn't anything anyone can do to stop it, her organs are cooking and she's sweating steam alone. Her eyes upturned towards him, tears creasing her small bird-like features she barely manages, "Kiss me please?" and he doesn't wait, doesn't miss a beat. He's there, he's right there arms wrapping around her, pulling her up in his own strong arms, to face him supporting her fail body, as his eyes scan her withering but beautiful face, his lips pressing against hers mouth opening against hers as he kisses her so thoroughly, like it's going to be the last time that he will ever get to kiss her and he wants to do it right. He wants to kiss her right, to kiss her like she's never been kissed before.  
  
He thinks he owes this to her, to kiss her like she's wanted and needed and loved. He knows she can feel it, her small hand lifting as she presses her palm to his chest to feel his heart beating. He thinks any minute now his heart is going to beat its way right out of his chest and he's going to have to explain why his organ is, the vital sign of life, is now on his sleeve, bouncing up and down his arm. He wouldn't mind telling her, giving her the answer that she's asking with her eyes, but he knows they don't have much time and he wants to make what little time he has left with her worthwhile. He can feel her body shivering again, but watches her refuse to give in as her eyes roll back into their sockets for a moment, she fights to stay with him, to stay here and stay focused. "You help me here again. Will you stay with me? Don't leave me, please?"  
  
He loves her like the rain, cold and hard beating against the weathered window frame. He loves her like snow slippery and cold but soft to the touch. Their time is tempered and weathered he feels warm flames licking at his heart and a bitter taste in his mouth as he tastes of her sweet lips. His eyes lock on hers as his forehead resting against hers, he promises her, "I will never leave you." And there is nothing that would ever make him break that promise, he would die before it happened.  
  
He's still holding her in his arms when she speaks again. "I walk among hero's." and it's there, the pride and loyalty behind her sad eyes sunken back into her head, hollowed out with a small tiny light still left in them, something that Iliyara hasn't been able to snuff out just quite yet. His fingers curl around hers, his tears more evident in his eyes, glittering like diamonds flashing back at her he finds his voice and manages to whisper, while walking his fingertips along the backs of her hand touching her skin softly, feeling it, feeling her beneath them, "You are a hero." Tears form behind her eyes and spill down her cheeks. He knows she's burning inside and he cannot stop it, cannot subdue the pain. Iliyara is running her course, hollowing his love out even more, might as well be the one who's heart is baking to a crisp, chipping away and burning the skin off. He thinks it might as well be him that's turned into the human melting pot of pain and sorrow.  
  
"Look," he says as he turns is eyes back towards her, towards his love, "look at how well we fit together, so perfect, it's like we belong." He feels silly, British and almost embarrassed all at once, but he cannot ignore his senses. He has to trust himself enough to be so honest with her, because these are his last moments. These precious moments as he watches her slowly and painfully shrink away from him he knows he has to give her more than she's ever been given, so she'll have something to take with her wherever she's going to next. And he smiles when she smiles at him for the first time tonight. It is bright and beautiful and he wishes there could be more smiles and mentally curses the time that has befallen them.  
  
There is a moment, just a moment when her smile falters just a little wavering and her body jerks back forcefully, nearly tearing herself out of his arms, from within his embrace and he has to fight to hold onto her because that's the only sure thing he's had in his life and he doesn't want to lose it just yet. He is being selfish now but he will remain her stalwart standing fast until the bitter end. Her eyes snap open and she lifts herself up with every last inch of strength she has left as his strong arms lock around her, pulling her still soft body closer to his own, rocking her back and forth in slow rhythmic motion. His lips are pressed against her forehead and tears are glistening, coating his thick dark lashes.  
  
He watches her bottom lip begin to tremble and knows she's losing the fight. "Shh," he murmur's against her ear, kissing it softly in a soothing manner as his other hand works to smooth her hair back from her face, "you must save what little strength you have left. It will do you better for it." Her body stiffens for a moment in his arms and then relaxes as another wave of uncontrollable convulsions ripples through her. He knows she's worn and spent, and she's ready to unravel. Each time it gets longer, each time it gets much harder for her to come back. She's fading fast and it's happening beyond his control. "Tell, tell my parents I wasn't scared." She asks him, though it is more a statement than a request.  
  
Pulling back he lifts his trembling hand, his world crashing in on him, the reality of it shifting in his eyes as he nods slowly to her. He doesn't trust himself to speak just yet and when he's able to find his voice he whispers, "I love you." In the softest voice as he presses his lips to her forehead kissing her skin, knowing it won't be much longer until she's gone and Iliyara has completed her task. "Why can't I stay?" she whispers as her eyes cry out in pain, her body convulsing once, twice and then going still and he knows her time is now over. He doesn't have an answer and if he did he doesn't think he would be able to say it.  
  
There's a hole in the world tonight. There's a hole inside of his chest where his heart used to be, living, breathing and beating. He wonders if that hole is big enough to pass right straight through the middle of the earth, far enough that someone could be standing on the other side looking back up at him that same moment. Everything has stopped; he's suspended in time and Angel's too late. Two Champions trying to save the world couldn't sacrifice the many for her. They faltered and in that time she passed. He understands. He's not mad. How could he be when he knows she would not, Angel's mission had given her, had given them all purpose and it was a cause any one of them would have died for and did.  
  
Fred had been their center, the one thing that they could all agree on and he would not cheapen her memory by shaming her Angel. He was there in Pylea and had saved her once, she had tried to save Spike herself and now both of them had done their best to save her. They all had done their very best. And he owed it to her memory to remember her as she was and not as she is. 


End file.
